We can say with authority that Eve Epstein and Leonora Epstein are two of the smartest, funniest people on Earth. The former DailyCandy editors, born 14 years apart, have just published their first book, X vs. Y, in which they discuss the cultural strongholds of their respective generations (Eve: X :: Leonora: Y).
To prepare you for what you’ll find beyond the cover, we asked the sisters to award superlatives to the standouts of their youth. We thought we couldn’t be prouder of our own — but we were wrong.
Worst Song Ever
Team X: Starship’s “We Built This City” is a multipronged assault on reason, taste, and the history of urban planning. It also represents grand-scale selling out, the death of credibility and coolness in a band that had once possessed both. It’s like if Ernest Hemingway had written cheesy ad slogans for U.S. Army recruitment. Also, the lyric “Marconi plays the mamba” is the worst thing ever.
Team Y: Aqua’s “Barbie Girl” will destroy your eardrums and dreams. Like the human equivalent of a dog whistle, it flips a switch in your brain that makes you crazy. Plus, it’s creepy: It’s half a young girl’s inner monologue about Barbie’s dream life and half just gross sexual.
Most Useless Accessory
Team X: The Swatch watch guard was designed to protect the face of your super cheap plastic watch, which a) shouldn’t really be a thing and b) didn’t work. What it did do was make it really hard to actually see what time it was — which took it a step beyond uselessness to active counter-functionality.
Team Y: The purpose of a slap bracelet is not to actually wear it. It’s to do this [pantomimes familiar slap bracelet-putting-on gesture] all day long. It therefore represents uselessness in its purest form.
Throbbiest Heartthrob
Team X: Johnny Depp was just the most beautiful person in the world. And early on we couldn’t actually tell what a terrible dresser he was because everyone was a terrible dresser back then. He was also always one half of a super couple (Winona, Kate), which allowed one to imagine oneself as the other half.
Team Y: Leonardo DiCaprio had a nonthreatening, feminine quality that made him both relatable and safely desirable to adolescent girls. Even his hair was girly. Also, he never really had a serious girlfriend, so he always maintained that illusion of availability — like, in some way, it seemed almost possible.
Easiest Way to Meet Men
Team X: I’m going with bars. You can’t really tell if you have chemistry with someone until you talk to him or her in person. Then again, what I’m calling “chemistry” could really just be commensurate levels of drunkenness. But there’s something to be said for getting to know someone through real conversation, rather than reading it on a profile.
Team Y: Say what you will about online dating, but it does give you more options. It also gives you the freedom to decide if you like someone or have stuff in common without having to actually meet and talk to him. Which I guess is a good thing?
Silliest Commercial
Team X: The Wendy’s “Where’s the Beef?” commercial represents the trifecta of ’80s comedy: Confused/Myopic Elderly Person, Crass Catchphrase, and Ironically Overserious Announcer Voice. It went viral before that was even a real thing that could happen. Powerful stuff.
Team Y: Budweiser’s “Wazzaaaaaaaa” ad is just so freaking funny. I love that they probably generated gazillions of dollars in sales using a word that isn’t a word. It’s more of a mouth noise. This commercial gives me an appreciation for bro culture that I rarely feel.
Available at amazon.com. For a chance to win a copy (we’re giving away five), check our Instagram feed.
Photo: Courtesy Images
